Resolve of the Roller Coaster Stroller Poster

My opinions flip-flop a lot. There are always so many sides to a situation but my heart remains true. And these blogs are no longer about bitching, they are my resolve to become a strong independent woman, whole in herself, dependent on noone. If some bitchy humor slips its tongue down your throat while you're not looking (and you know it will)then so be it. For whatever reason, the Three of you that I have invited to read this drivel are no accident to have crossed paths I believe and I thank you for charging the outlet where I am going to find myself, Godamnit.

I almost gave him the 1800th "second chance" yesterday. (I'm beginning to think he is a con artist). He admitted to being a complete jerkface, of never realizing that I thought he had "dissed me on our >wedding night<" or "left me at the altar" because we were eloping and I was all down on marriage and marriage is stupid and (OK I was but I didn't mean it was stupid in EVERY aspect, hello, I have ovaries.) The key word he deleted from his mind was CEREMONIES, I think lavish wedding CEREMONIES are stupid. We had planned to take sacred private vows with our midwife... earthmama goddess stuff, the real deal.

Anywho, he had the epiphany AFTER he chose to leave a few days ago that OMG, I really DID throw her trust and respect out the window - how could I be so clueless? I chalked it up to the testosterone and was thankful for this admission. He also admitted that he did not deserve my respect after the way that he had treated me and that he wanted to gain it back. He also admitted that he had no idea how to treat a Lady properly but he wanted to learn. He said he talked to his Dad (who every time he came out of his surgery's anesthaesia (whatever) last week, he asked about me and baby and was bigHim going to take us on vacation or do something nice for us?). His Dad has been telling him he needs to take ourson and I to the beach or SOMETHING at least anything. We have NEVER had a honeymoon. We have never had a vacation. We have never taken a long weekend. We have never gone to the beach. We can't leave the house due to our dysfunctions. 1.5 YEARS LIVING TOGETHER. The ONE vacation he has taken in two years (just last week), he spent ALONE at his parents except for two days that he came home for his son's first birthday. Stressful.

So anywho, he asks if he can talk to me about his "roommate", his "wife that he's separated from" (i'm already thinkiing IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL ME NOW to your stupid skanky hoe friends like you did when you met me and were still living with your ex- and I was STUPID enough to believe you when you said that you were just roommates...) FFS!! I don't ever even want to LOOk at his stupid penis again...

So anywho, he starts asking for advice how to get "her" back and would she like a proper ring and a "down on one knee" proposal...??? The little girl in me swooned, of COURSE I did! OF COURSE I FUCKING DID! Of course I wanted the father of my only child to actually be in love with me and want to make me his princess for life...
Who wouldn't??? Am I totally insane or just trying to believe that the father of my only child IS really good inside and that he WILL break his cycle of ignorance and abuse that his mother forced upon him??? Is that so WRONG? I don't think that makes me crazy, I think it makes me human.

My baby awakes, the tears must subside
Until I write again, let this anger ride...