Monday, March 02, 2009

Mandatory Mondays

*Mandatory Mondays*

They roll around every week, whether you're ready or not. Even as a "non-working" full-time mommy, these mandatory Mondays are daunting. "Non-working" but "full-time mommy," what an oxymoron. Or maybe I'm a moron and I should be cleaning something with oxi-clean instead? I just don't know these days. I sit here and type and wonder how to support us from home. Then I wonder why I'm just wondering and not doing. Or AM I doing? Am I? I hope so.

So these mandatory Mondays always follow lazy Sundays, every damned time. And ya know what? Even though I have no "job" to get to by 9, I have no power lunches scheduled unless you count wrangling against a 16 month old's power struggle to escape his highchair, these mandatory Mondays hit hard. They remind me of the mainstream that I somehow crawled out of, covered with muck and clutching a lone piece of driftwood... I try not to listen to the many "legitimate" voices like family, "friends" and "authorities" that insist that I MUST jump back into that mainstream if I want to survive, if I want my son to survive in this world. Which is ironic, since I find the mainstream a threat in itself.

There has to be another way, there just has to. Why should I have to sell my soul to work for someone else instead of myself, why should I have to sellout just so I can then pay most of my earnings for yet someone else to raise my child? How can I find a way to become truly self sufficient? Somehow, I'm led to write even though I know the whole "starving artist" fate all too well...

Mandatory Mondays make me maudlin, missing mental-health mundane days... Or even a manic Monday would be nice, that creative rush that would have the house all tidy and a novella written and the baby entertained and dinner ready all before noon. But nope. Here I sit, staring at the computer monitor, cursing this Mandatory Monday. Cursing my nervous stomach that prevents me from jump-starting the day with coffee. Cursing the pill that I reluctantly yet gratefully swallow for relief instead. Oh, it's a "bitter pill to swallow."

I remember how I got here. I try to forget. I try to ignore the significance of this past weekend, our "fake wedding anniversary," another blog, another monday perhaps... I fail at forgetting this weekend two years ago and how happy I was then. How all my dreams seemed to manifest in a glorious promising future when Mondays were magnificent and there was another set of helping hands that I trusted to pull me out of the mainstream and that I believed when they painted a picture of everything I'd ever desired. Those same hands were also pulling wool over my eyes at the time and have since pushed me, pulled me, and provoked me. Those hands are out of my face now but they still push buttons, like sinister puppet masters that won't give up. Those hands that pulled me out of the mainstream and took away my flotation device, my driftwood, in the name of "you won't need this anymore." Well, those same hands have now pushed me back in, wool still over my eyes, steel wool in disguise... I float on down the river and pull myself out this time. Now I look at my precious son's own tiny hands reaching up to me, looking to me for everything, EVERYTHING. I don't want to fail him. I don't want to fail me.

Mandatory Mondays. Can I get a hall pass today? No???

**sneaks out the backdoor while noone is looking, runs like mad to the nearest non-mainstream with son in tow and skips rocks the rest of the day, counting the ripples, and soaking up the sun, my son**

Mandatory Mondays can suck my wind. I'm gonna go fly a kite.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

For Hire

As I'm supposed to be finishing my freakin financial affifuckindavit (for the deeeevorceofcourseofcourse), damnit, how bout this:

To Whom it may concern,
Here is my affufuckindavid: "I'M BROKE AS A JOKE, like a freakin faberg
é egg that fell off the top of the empire fucking state building!!!!!!! That is all."

Instead, I obsess on finding a "real job" and why can't someone just pay me to be me...

And I came up with this coverletter...

To Mr. No Self Control Inundies,

Hello, I am writing to you in the highest, and I DO mean HIGHEST hopes of becumming your newest and most qualified nutsandberries specialist with an emphasis in dried fruit, fine wines and wildflowers.... Please let me know if I have any positions that you would like to fill...

Awesomely yours,
Dairy Queen FFS!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

one more olive jar later

once again
the morning breaks
my resolve broken
too many words
left unspoken
unopened kitkats
crumpled paper bag
left out on the floor
no safety in
an unlocked door
doubt I'll ever
see you again
doubt you know
the effort it took
for me to /grin
oh well,
who cares,
I stare at the olive jar
and forget the night...

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Testing Oh Testing

Testing Oh Testing

Shoulda tested the marriage

But Baby Carriage ...

Don't get me wrong now

Our son is my pride and joy

But Daddy, Oh boy...

He's gone now I'm safe

I fight sad scar tissue now

For that, I give thanks.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Dear AssFace,

Dear AssFace,

Please forget about taking me to the lab for bloodwork to figure out what is "wrong" with me... Do you think bloodwork reveal a shitty marriage???

[damn, I wish I'd included the above intro in the original email I just hit send on]

In fact, I don't want you near me until our "therapy" session (IF I CAN FIND A BABYSITTER during dinnertime! WTF). I don't want to see you. I don't even want to hear your voice. If you must call, I will answer but I will NOT call you, or your other family again (except for boy0 because he is the ONLY dependable one) unless it as an emergency that requires ambulance or firemen.

Let's get something straight:
  1. Yesterday, you pulled a TOTAL MINDFUCK (excuse my language but don't know any better way to call a spade a spade) on me and THAT is why I blew my lid! You are UNBELIEVABLE!
  2. You had been starting deep conversations since the day before and then abruptly cutting them off and refusing to speak further. You have said your mother did this with anything you ever liked.
  3. You teased me into thinking you were ready to talk and work on getting back together - you even went so far as to ask me about your "roomate, wife but separated" about proposal advice!!! Isn't that how you refered to "your ex roomie" when we met? Just your roomate now, you were separated??? I'm beginning to suspect that you are a CON ARTIST.
  4. YOU ABANDONED US. (argue whatever you want, but I begged you to stay, the baby seemed sick, I was sick, we both needed you, I begged with words, ourson begged with tears.) You IGNORED our pleas and RAN AWAY to your MOMMY! I CANNOT COUNT ON YOU - I USED to count on you and I THOUGHT I could count on you again BUT once again, you disappoint, let down, and prove that your word is NO GOOD. You walked out even though I begged you to stay. Mark my words, it will be the LAST time.
  5. Yesterday's argument was ALL over YOUR refusal to answer a simple yes or no question with a yes or no answer.
me: "did you or did you not tell me you were on your way home last we talked? yes or no?"

you: "welli, but i just, no but, yes but, yadayadayadablablabla)"

Assface, i understand that things come up at work and that you have to stay late. What I do NOT understand is your absolute refusal to answer a straightforward question with a straightforward answer. Perhaps you tried to read into my question and think that I was not believing where you were or what your were doing. No, NOT the case. I was just trying to ask you what you had told me before. I didn't need to know what had happened since.

But now that I think about it, the fact that you can never answer the question about where you are or what you are doing is AWFULLY suspicious.



And let's not forget that I had been counting on you to play with ourson while I prepared dinner... He would not let me put him down yesterday and I had already set the stove on fire...

You DEMAND that I speak to you with respect but that is IMPOSSIBLE because I do NOT respect you. Can you honestly read the above reminders and argue that you deserve even a SHRED of respect? I think I am being very generous in maintaining only three shreds of respect for you but they are not enough to negate the torture you have put me through. I respect that you are working so hard, that you are a good son, and WHEN you spend time with boy1 and boy2, you are playful and loving. You are NOT a parent to those boys, you're a buddy. I SUSPECT that is why boy1 won't listen to you and boy0 is distant. IF you EVEN want to right the wrongs of your past and be an ACTUAL PARENT and FATHER to babyNOW instead of just a playmate, you have LOTS of SOUL SEARCHING and childcare education to study up on. At this point Assface, actions speak louder than words. Your actions are SCREAMING that you do not want to be a father or a parent and certainly not a husband or even a good roommate!

If you still think that I should speak to you with respect, just because you are the MAN, let me remind you that you have also physically and verbally abused us in front of baby. And yes, I fought back fire with fire but in SELF DEFENSE - YOU were the INSTIGATOR so you CANNOT blame it back on ME! YOU HIT ME FIRST, you pathetic excuse for a man.

You mother said she "prayed for me" and my "anger." MY ANGER??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Of COURSE I am angry, my husband either neglects, abuses, or "mindfucks" me. His family lives in COMPLETE denial and refuses to accept ANY responsibility or even acknowledge that anything is wrong.
I asked your "Mother" if she prayed for her son to stop abusing the MOTHER of her GRANDCHILD in front of him???
I asked her point blank: "Woman from DeNile, did you pray for AssFace to stop abusing me in front of BABY? Like I ASKED you, no BEGGED you to months before???"
She said: "No, I didn't. Because I never saw it. I'm trying to go to bed now."

When I initially had this conversation with your "Mother," she had the nerve to say to me:
"Well DQFFS, he probably shoves you because you provoke him by not returning to work."
(Yes, she did indeed say that and you HAVE to remember me telling you that before.)


She neglected and abused you and your siblings. She may or may not have intended to, but SHE DID.

It is YOUR CHOICE whether or not to break the cycle.

So far, you are taking the coward's way and running away from your responsibilities and refusing to deal with your issues. It is your loss because with the way you are NOW, ourson and I are BOTH better off WITHOUT you in our lives.

You literally make me ill,
Have a happier life without us in it since you hate us so,

Resolve of the Roller Coaster Stroller Poster

My opinions flip-flop a lot. There are always so many sides to a situation but my heart remains true. And these blogs are no longer about bitching, they are my resolve to become a strong independent woman, whole in herself, dependent on noone. If some bitchy humor slips its tongue down your throat while you're not looking (and you know it will)then so be it. For whatever reason, the Three of you that I have invited to read this drivel are no accident to have crossed paths I believe and I thank you for charging the outlet where I am going to find myself, Godamnit.

I almost gave him the 1800th "second chance" yesterday. (I'm beginning to think he is a con artist). He admitted to being a complete jerkface, of never realizing that I thought he had "dissed me on our >wedding night<" or "left me at the altar" because we were eloping and I was all down on marriage and marriage is stupid and (OK I was but I didn't mean it was stupid in EVERY aspect, hello, I have ovaries.) The key word he deleted from his mind was CEREMONIES, I think lavish wedding CEREMONIES are stupid. We had planned to take sacred private vows with our midwife... earthmama goddess stuff, the real deal.

Anywho, he had the epiphany AFTER he chose to leave a few days ago that OMG, I really DID throw her trust and respect out the window - how could I be so clueless? I chalked it up to the testosterone and was thankful for this admission. He also admitted that he did not deserve my respect after the way that he had treated me and that he wanted to gain it back. He also admitted that he had no idea how to treat a Lady properly but he wanted to learn. He said he talked to his Dad (who every time he came out of his surgery's anesthaesia (whatever) last week, he asked about me and baby and was bigHim going to take us on vacation or do something nice for us?). His Dad has been telling him he needs to take ourson and I to the beach or SOMETHING at least anything. We have NEVER had a honeymoon. We have never had a vacation. We have never taken a long weekend. We have never gone to the beach. We can't leave the house due to our dysfunctions. 1.5 YEARS LIVING TOGETHER. The ONE vacation he has taken in two years (just last week), he spent ALONE at his parents except for two days that he came home for his son's first birthday. Stressful.

So anywho, he asks if he can talk to me about his "roommate", his "wife that he's separated from" (i'm already thinkiing IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL ME NOW to your stupid skanky hoe friends like you did when you met me and were still living with your ex- and I was STUPID enough to believe you when you said that you were just roommates...) FFS!! I don't ever even want to LOOk at his stupid penis again...

So anywho, he starts asking for advice how to get "her" back and would she like a proper ring and a "down on one knee" proposal...??? The little girl in me swooned, of COURSE I did! OF COURSE I FUCKING DID! Of course I wanted the father of my only child to actually be in love with me and want to make me his princess for life...
Who wouldn't??? Am I totally insane or just trying to believe that the father of my only child IS really good inside and that he WILL break his cycle of ignorance and abuse that his mother forced upon him??? Is that so WRONG? I don't think that makes me crazy, I think it makes me human.

My baby awakes, the tears must subside
Until I write again, let this anger ride...

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Top Ten Reasons Why: He's The Asshole and I deserve to be The Bitch

Top Ten Reasons Why: He's the Asshole

10. You Lost My Trust when ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT you:
  • were leaving sexual innuendo comments on some FAKE myspace skank's page because you were stupid enough to think she was real. AND THEN when confronted because you were stupid enough to leave your shit logged in on my computer and I asked you about it, you LIED. And not just any lie - oh no, a bald faced doozie. You told me that she was your ex-wife's niece and that you were commenting on the "delicious" spaghetti dinner she had made for you... You later admitted to making all of that up because I laughed at you and demanded you tell the truth. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS TO THINK I WOULD BELIEVE THAT SHIT???

9. You Lost My Respect when you:
  • peeled out of town on our wedding day and left me at the altar. Pregnant. AFTER you had told both of our families that we had already married. Perfect start.
8. You Lost My Affection when you:
  • told me that sex with me was no good anyway. That I was a failure as a wife. When you and your father both questioned why any man would want to come home to me.
7. You Lost My "nice tone of voice" when you:
  • failed to listen to me the first 8 million times. You also make up your own interpretation of conversations by filling in the blanks around the few key words you grasp onto. This results in some nightmarish version of that "gossip telephone whatever game" gone terribly terribly wrong.
6. You Lost a Wife who gave a damn about housekeeping when you:
  • failed to clean up a damned thing after yourself or simply take out the trash or do absolutely anything around the house unless begged, pleaded and cattle prodded. When you accused me of trying to poison you. When I slaved for 2 days and even set the table for dinner and you deemed it a complete and utter failure because the timing got boffed while you sat your your fat ass and refused to do anything unless asked and explicitly directed step by step of the way what to do.
5. You Lost a Wife who was proud of you when:
  • you were overheard talking shit about me to your ex-wife, your mother, your father, your best friend, and ALL within earshot of me. You are either completely stupid or you just always hated me that much. When you called me a drunk to your family because I find solace in a large glass of wine (often two) a night, because on THREE occassions in the last YEAR, I drank a whole bottle to put myself to sleep when the tears or the pain wouldn't stop. (mother-in-law harassment, therapy nightmare, first period after birth) And I don't care what you say, I'm pretty sure that drinking wine spaced out over time while the baby sleeping is a hell of a lot healthier for my sanity than gobbling anti-anxiety meds...
4. You Lost a Wife who counted on you when:
  • you threatened to kick me out on the streets, knowing that I had nowhere that I could actually go. (yes, I had gracious friends offer me a place to live but I have severe allergies and they all have big dogs, which I am asthmatically deathly allergic to.) You fail to show even the most base comprehension of childcare, leaving me terrified to leave ourson in your care.
3. You Lost a Wife who felt safe and secure with you when:
  • You man-handled me while I was pregnant, you shoved me in front of our infant son, you pushed me as hard as you could in my chest, you grabbed my arms and picked me up and shook me, and you spit in my face and told me I was a piece of shit. (In the end, I was not the better person and I did mimic all of your hateful actions back to you but it's not in my nature to give in without a fight.) You regularly call me a stupid fucking bitch, cunt, you-name-it in front of our son.
2. You Lost a Wife who thought the sun rose and set in your eyes when:
  • You chose to walk out on your infant son and new wife instead of go to couples/family counseling. You were in a terrible accident years ago and have legitimate injuries which cause some of your hateful actions and yet you fail to get help.
1. You Lost a Wife and a Family when you:
  • NEVER EVEN TRIED. You had a beautiful loving family right in front of your face but you were too stubborn, lazy, and selfish to ever even notice.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I can't "attach" right now, I just can't.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do, is to not do anything.

I am remembering my overbearing and overprotective mother, who I also recognize as having FIERCELY LOVED and PROTECTED me with the last dying embers of her soul, that still lives but is compromised.

I refuse to be a compromised Lady. I WILL SURVIVE!